Outsmart The Narcissist: The Playbook For Taking Back Control
The most challenging negotiations aren’t always across a boardroom table—they’re often the ones you’re forced into with toxic, high-conflict personalities. And when you’re dealing with a narcissist, the stakes go from high to life-altering.
In a recent episode of Negotiate Anything, I sat down with Rebecca Zung, one of the foremost experts in the world on negotiating with narcissists. Our conversation was a masterclass—part strategy session, part reality check, and part therapy for anyone who’s ever been trapped in the emotional spin cycle these personalities create.
The Stakes Are Higher Than You Think
All difficult conversations important, but when it comes to interacting with narcissists, here’s the distinction: We’re not just talking about negotiating for a raise or closing a business deal. We’re negotiating with lives on the line.
Narcissists aren’t just difficult—they can dismantle your career, drain your emotional reserves, and disrupt your personal life in ways that ripple out to everyone around you. Often time when it comes to the decision to address these behaviors, these aren’t just “difficult conversations”—they’re survival scenarios.
Don’t Take it Personally
One of the most frustrating things I hear from people dealing with narcissists is how personal it feels when they’re under attack. But knowing you shouldn’t take it personally and actually changing how you feel are two different things. So how can we operationalize not taking these moments personally?
Rebecca’s advice is to emotionally detach—visualize yourself in a protective bubble, unhooked from their drama, much like you’d ignore a toddler’s tantrum. This doesn’t mean you’re excusing the behavior—it means you’re preserving your energy.
Why Narcissists Are So Difficult to Negotiate With
Rebecca shared that narcissism exists on a spectrum, with the most extreme end being Narcissistic Personality Disorder. But what truly defines a narcissist isn’t just arrogance—it’s a profound internal emptiness. As she put it, “It’s like they’re starving for air.” Their self-worth depends entirely on external validation—status, possessions, or the ability to control and diminish others.
This deep insecurity is often rooted in early childhood trauma that damages the emotional centers of the brain. When triggered, their responses are driven by fear, shame, and ego—not rational thought. That’s why they might burn their own business to the ground if it means hurting someone else in the process.
Shifting the Power Dynamic
Many people feel trapped when dealing with narcissists, believing they can’t break free. But often, that’s a self-limiting belief. Rebecca’s advice? Start small. Don’t run from the conflict, but don’t engage in their games either. Set one strong boundary, reclaim some ground, and build from there.
The only path to victory they have is by your concession. Once you stop giving in, you’ve already disrupted their control. Over time, this shift from defense to offense—rooted in your values and goals—restores your sense of power.
The S.L.A.Y. Method: A Framework for Regaining Control
One of Rebecca’s most valuable contributions to this conversation was her S.L.A.Y. Method, a four-step approach to winning high-conflict negotiations:
Strategy – Develop a clear vision of your end goal and map out your action plan.
Leverage – Identify what the narcissist values most (“diamond-level supply,” such as reputation or money) and use it strategically.
Anticipate – Expect manipulation, goalpost-shifting, and emotional baiting—plan your responses before they happen.
You – Strengthen your mindset, build confidence, and protect your emotional boundaries.
The genius of this framework is that it’s simplicity and actionability. Breaking it down into “just taking one first step of setting a boundary” makes the whole process feel doable, even when you’re overwhelmed.
Facing the “I Can’t Leave” Mindset
One of the most heartbreaking patterns is when people believe they can’t break free. Sometimes it’s because they’ve been told they can’t—other times it’s a self-limiting belief that’s taken root over time.
Try this reframe. Ask yourself, What do I need right now to feel safe? That question shifts the focus from the enormity of “getting out” to something you can actually control in the moment. And in some cases, yes, breaking free might be uncomfortable—but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible.
Managing Expectations: Can They Change?
It’s a tough pill to swallow, but most narcissists won’t change unless they face a complete collapse of their ego—losing everything they value. Even then, change is rare. That’s why waiting for them to “come around” is risky. The priority must be protecting yourself and building a healthier future.
Key Takeaways for Your Next Difficult Conversation
This conversation with Rebecca reaffirmed something I’ve believed for a long time: the most important negotiations you’ll ever have are the ones where you’re fighting for your own self-worth.
That’s why I encourage you—if you’re facing a narcissist—to arm yourself with the right tools, the right mindset, and the right support network. And remember, authentic power beats counterfeit power every single time.
If you’re ready to take the first step, check out Rebecca’s Slay the Bully, join her community, and listen to the full episode. Let’s make every conversation—even with the most toxic personalities—a winning negotiation.
